why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
