look no pants
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
