k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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