if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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