around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
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