I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
