Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
