wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
