tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
my poor anus
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
