just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
