Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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