you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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