I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
