i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
