i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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