I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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