Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
