I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
