I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
