I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
