I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
