I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
