I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
