At least make sure they are 18
Why
my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
