Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
