i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
