Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
