I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
