Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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