so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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