Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
