Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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