i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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