my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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