i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
