don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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