he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to