Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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