Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
