How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
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You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.