this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
