I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
