theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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