Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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