My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize