Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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