Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
