i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
