Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
