Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
