I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
