i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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