I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
