I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
