John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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