I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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