we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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