Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
